


letting go of what might have been

by evergreenstringbean



Series: Hurting Richie Tozier's Feelings [2]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Richie-centric, also humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-25 01:23:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20715773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evergreenstringbean/pseuds/evergreenstringbean
Summary: Richie's got it all under control...but sometimes he doesn'torRichie's still coping.





	letting go of what might have been

Richie’s got it all under control.

He’s writing new material regularly, he’s keeping up with his friends and making sure he’s not isolating himself, and his evening plans no longer involve tears or alcohol of any sort.

So he’s got it under control…most of the time.

There’s still those few times a week he’s in pain, but he lets himself hurt and reminds himself what Bev tells him every time he calls.

“Forcing the pain to go away will only bring it back a dozen times stronger. They wouldn’t want you to pretend you’re completely okay when you’re still not.”

During the easy days, he decides to start some spring cleaning. He gets some boxes and goes through his things, tossing stuff he no longer wants or needs into cardboard and taping them shut.

Once he’s got the bedroom and living room squared away, he decides to take a look into attic. He knows for a fact he’s got some old clothes from college stored up there that he no longer can fit, and if he’s honestly, doesn’t want to. He dressed like an idiot in college.

_“Richard, what the fuck are you wearing?”_

_ Richie tilted his head to the side, trying to act confused. “What? You don’t like it?”_

_ Eddie crossed his arms, though a smile played on his lips. “You can’t wear a shirt like that to a formal event.” _

_ The shirt in question was solid white with a picture of a multi-colored fanny pack, the words “Pack that ass up” printed underneath._

_ He looked away from the man’s obscene graphic tee and looked to Stan, who was straightening his tie in front of the mirror. “See? Stanley’s dressed appropriate.”_

_ “Stanley’s dressed like he’s picking up his date at the local bingo hall,” Richie shot back, pulling off his shirt. “Forgive me for wanting to bring a little joy.”_

_ “You can bring joy without an eyesore of a shirt like that,” Stan offered, walking over and pulling out an outfit from the dorm room closet before handing it to Richie. “Here. You can borrow this for the night. It should fit you for the most part but I can pin it if it doesn’t.”_

_ Richie grinned and leaned in, kissing Stanley sweetly and earning a smile from the quiet boy in return. “Thank you. I’m still wearing that shirt at some point though.”_

_ Eddie rolled his eyes, but smiled and moved to pull them both in a hug. “I love you.”_

The attic is hot as fuck, but Richie doesn’t pay any mind to that. He pulls down box after box, bringing them to the living room before he’s emptied the entire attic and grabs some coffee to start sifting through the boxes of long forgotten items. Most of it is your typical attic collection, knick-knacks, old shirts, the occasional old comic book he figures he can sell online and earn a little extra cash. That is, until the last box he opens knocks the air out of his lungs.

It’s a folder, busted up and creased but still in good condition. The name “Stanley Uris” is neatly printed in the bottom right corner and Richie has to take a break. He’s sure there’s nothing more than old school papers or resumes in it but he’s honestly afraid to see. So he sets the folder on the coffee table and takes a breath. When he finally opens it, he’s met with handwriting that’s so neat yet has a hint of imperfection, as though the writer’s thoughts were running so fast that his pen couldn’t keep up.

_3-28-92_

_ Sometimes I think it would just be easier to give them both a note to explain how I feel about them and just suffer the consequences however it plays out. But I don’t think I’m strong enough for that. If Richie was in my position he’d probably just tell Eddie and me that he likes us and then tell us to deal with it. He’s a kind of person who knows how to go for what he wants. He’s strong. I admire him for that._

Richie blinks. He moves the page and sees another, and another. Stanley’s notes recounting times Richie told him a joke that made him laugh or Eddie rested his head on his shoulder during a movie night. Stanley never kept a journal…was this it?

Page after page, each new entry was never more than two paragraphs. Classic Stan. He always kept to himself. Even at a time he’s supposed to let out his feelings, he still had some things let unspoken, or in this case, unwritten.

Once he’s read every page twice, it’s dark outside. Too late for his Goodwill trip. He leaves the folder on the coffee table and retreats to get ready for bed.

“Can we now?”

“No. It’s not time.”

“When the hell will it be the right time?”

“Don’t worry, we’ll know.”

**~*~**

When he gets back from Goodwill the next day, he’s exhausted. He’d gotten rid of more things than he’d expected, and now all he wants to do is lay on the sofa and pretend like he isn’t a person for a few hours. Be his own man, or whatever. So he pulls up random music on his phone and connects it to the speaker, letting it do its own thing as he stares aimlessly at the ceiling.

The current song fades out and he grabs the folder still resting on the coffee table. Each sheet of paper is like a punch in the chest, but it’s a hurt he didn’t know he wanted so badly. It’s a familiarity. Moving on was going well, and he's felt an improvement compared to the nights he’d spent cursing God or getting shitfaced, but this was it. One of the bad days, and he remembers Bev’s words right before he can shove the hurt away.

The song that begins to play is almost the equivalent of a middle finger with a megaphone.

_Once upon a time I would wake beside a man_

_ Who would make me feel like nothing could take him from me_

_ Once I thought forever was real_

_ I thought my life was ideal_

_ I thought that nothin’ could steal it, you see_

He doesn’t notice the silent tears that fall as he rereads the notes. He doesn’t even need to. He just remembers Eddie throwing a pillow at his face, and Stanley glancing up from his book to laugh at them. He remembers stressful nights before college exams that are relieved with hugs and gentle, calming words. He tries to forget the two worst days of his life, when he loses the two most important people he knew.

_And it’s almost like time has stood still_

_ Like a lifetime iced under the frost_

_ And I don’t try to warm from the chill_

_ Although I know how much I’ve lost_

He tosses the folder back on the table. The music is quiet, but fills the room with the lack of other noise. Richie talks out to nobody, but doesn’t give less of a shit. “I miss you two. I’m getting better, I’m doing every damn thing they tell me but it still hurts like hell and I don’t think that’ll ever pass. Just….god, why’d it have to be you two?” He sighs. He trembles. He fights off a sob. He loses.

The crying doesn’t last very long. It’s enough to make his eyes red and make him tired but not quiet enough to make him physically sick. When he’s done, he sits up and pulls his glasses off his face to wipe them off. He’s ready to go to bed and end the bittersweet day.

There’s a hand resting on his shoulder. Then two. “C’mon Trashmouth, _I’m _supposed to be the baby here, remember?”

And, holy shit, if that isn’t the most beautiful voice he’s heard in months…

But then he’s panicking, and his glasses fly back on his face. “Eddie?”

They’re both hard to see, and if he moves he fears they’ll disappear, but there they are. Smiling sadly, no wounds to be seen.

But in an instant, they’re gone, and the folder flies open. He glances down, and a smile breaks out across his face.

** _He’s strong. I admire him for that._**

**Author's Note:**

> Song referenced is Love Will Come and Find Me Again from Bandstand because that's all I listened to while right this
> 
> Follow me on twitter @allin_ev_itable


End file.
